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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

Quote OF Love